lost in post

I had a horrible dream today..

I was at some meadow or on the forest road when I saw a creature.. it had two legs and an enormous head with a giant mouth and it remind me some kind of frog.
Its skin was scaly but not so rough..
It terrified me but at the beginning it did not seem to hurt me.. actually, it wanted to play with me.. or me to follow it?.. my memory is not so clear.. but after a while the creature changed its mind and started to bite me.. my whole body was in its mouth however I could not feel its sharp teeth. I was not hurt at all.
Then I can remember I was trying to escape it.. with some members of my family..
..and after that came blackout because I waked up.

the end of the year started inviting everyone to celebrate, myself included..

I am not a fan of big festivals and parties, actually, I hate watching drunk people..
I find them disgusting.. gross.. but perhaps also happy.

What do they miss in this world? A little drop of spirit makes them believe that they can do everything and that their troubles have never really existed.
Everything is so bright and beautiful and.. tottering..

I am to spend the last day of the year at my granny's.

This is not what I planned about two days ago but my plans almost never become true.

Actually, I am looking forward to that.

My granny is the most important person in the world for me now. We can spend the whole day talking and laughing and crying and dreaming.. and I have not seen her since the winter holiday started.
Okay, my family went there after the Christmas Eve but how can You make fun of Your own family when they are right behind You?..

about the song..

last two days I spent watching Pride and Prejudice (the one with Keira Knightley and also the one with Colin Firth.)

16 hours of watching this beautiful dreamy story^^

of course, I could go for a walk or ice-skating or read all the books I have got but doing pointless things without any resolution is something I am really good at..

but I realized I have to wake up from dreaming and laziness because I need to get some white empire dress^^..

spider man is having me for dinner tonight

Many people says that the music of The Cure works as a real cure..
I love the music but I think it is making me feel worse..
and neither the hair and make-up of Robert Smith can make it better..

I said I am looking forward to snow and Chirstmas and all of this stuff, but..
I cannot say I am happy.

I met many beautiful people at the Prague Lolita meeting.. and drank yogi tea, which I love..

I have written a letter but there is noone I can give it to..
Confused is missing.. and there is the whole weekend I have to wait before I get another chance..
I feel desperate and miserable and hating myself and the unknown creature..

..I am just a lost teenage girl and this is how can I complain about it all..

in the lake..

I woke up today and looked out of the window.. and I saw SNOW^^.. the lovely fresh sparkling snow I was waiting for.
Nature has started its winter transformation and I should feel happy that white beauty.. but it's not happening.

The rest of autumn melancholy tries to settle down in my mind.

But why?

I dyed my hair ink blue.. I feel like Coraline and many people said it suits me..
I heard Confused talking so I know the tone of his voice - and it's not irritating at all..

Tomorrow I am going to Nürnberk /Germany/ to the big market..actually I must wake up in four hours and should be sleeping..
I have got a letter from my Australian pen friend..



..but the song playing in my head is about murder and blood and being ugly and pain and loneliness..
it's like In the lake but not exactly.. but the melody is very similar..

this just a scream of a miserable girl needing some answer although she knows it will never come..

o, children..

Agnes was in the cinema.

Guess.. what has she seen?

..there are no options..
..no help..

..it so facetiously easy..

yes..

that's it..

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows^^

I have seen it twice and I plan at least one visit.. for at least two good reasons..

..this song..

/do You believe that this song made me look for Cave's cd we have had for years in my dad's garbage?/

..and this /human?!/ being^^

/doesn't he remind You of Davey Havok from the AFI in times he used to have long beautiful hair and looked like a man or a transvestite but not like a sleek pop disgusting guy?/
//it took me the whole afternoon to find out who he is.. he should live with this character forever^^//
picture from here

I have read all HP books, seen all films.. but I do not feel like a maniac..

It just makes me dream and believe in magic.. which is all I have now.

I am not familiar with reality and outside world.
I entirely understand Lady Rowling that she created her own universe full of charismatic negative characters because in the world everybody knows they are too rough and rude and odious..

If I could choose I would rather be killed by Mr. Oh-my-goodness Scabior than Kim Jong-il..

..is Agnes totally mad?

Gatsby on the board

Today in the morning I went with Gatsby in the bus.
Gatsby is the bus driver and this is not his real name.
But when I read Fitzgerald's novel he was exactly my vision of Gatsby^^..
He smiled to me very nice today. .
But Mr. Confused wasn't there.. yay..=X

I love giving nicknames to people around me.
Another bus driver is Frodo Baggins /he looks exactly like him!/ and next one is Walrus.. /very small, corpulent with a moustache/..
Mr. Nameless.. Mr. V. .. Mr. Confused..
..you can guess the meanings..

I have got the taste to see Harry Potter.

Maybe on Thursday after midnight I will be lucky..

I cannot wait any longer ^^

I was dancing today. Belly dancing, actually..

Seeing myself in the mirror while trying to do proper moves is.. depressive. It is very hard to concentrate in it.

I hate mirrors.. I hate bus.. I love Potter.. I like Confused.. =X

half jill..and half jack

I can remember nervousness.. laced stomach, which wanted to vomit.. insomnia.. confusion.. fear.. and very rude commissioner from this Thursday.
It was my second driving exam.
Second because I failed the first one..
/no more too fast turning =X/

There was only one sentence rotating in my brain..

Please, I don't want to repeat it for the third time..

This time I went slow.. shifted quickly.. stopped in front of all stop signs.. and passed it.
My body is still shaking when I'm remembering it.. I am driving licensed now =X
It's so crazy..
I still want to play with dolls but I can drive across the whole land..

no more waiting for bus which is always late but when You come late it leaves earlier =X
I love this new freedom and independence.. and that's all to the positive site of being full-aged.

Actually, Thursday was a good day.. Agnes bought buttons to her prom dress /EA inspired striped one^^/ and walked across a bridge where were no boats or ships /or Agnes didn't see them/ and at home she filled the resources of iron to her blood because of the lack of hemoglobin =X..

When the sun went down she decided to go out.

She had to ride her quad skates, she desired so much, on a new road on the second end of the village^^

Riding them is.. different. But Agnes didn't fall down the whole time.

Honestly, she was as careful as while doing the driving exam =X..

..but she went on a real road, no more carpet driving in her bloody red bedroom..

..no more hitting sharp furniture's corners..^^

..but no more Amanda Palmer's singing until I will put her amazing voice to the mobile phone.. =X




One last look on the sky and growing Moon.. and some ugly building =X

 

Agnes is quite tired and out of her writing fantasy..

At 3am after a tiring week she needs to sleep.

But she may come again.

Or not.

It's up to her..

I am just a writer.

But she is the living creature.. or isn't she?

pictures taken on a mobile phone

descending angel

Where should I begin?
..
Colourful leaves are raining and I cannot see the road because they have covered everything. And one is in my mind too. How could it get inside? o.O

The day before yesterday I saw him. Mr. Confused. He sat in front of me so I could watch him.
Well, it is his favourite seat. At the back in the line behind the busdriver. Mine too.
So we play these silly games like who will sit there today? And I won^^. The day before yesterday..
But he will never know it. It is all in my head. I just sit and watch and think.
I am afraid of falling alseep so I could miss the pretty view although I know he exits the bus in the same station as me. And then he goes to the underground for Metro news, turns around and leaves the foolish girl behind him with her silly thoughts and dreams. And she goes her own way on, holding the same newspapers, because she does not want to be late at school, where she can continue in dreaming..

I had finnish language course yesterday.

Finnish is magical, the language of elves and fairies and moomins..

My teacher is a bit confused too but I like her teaching.. I cannot imagine me teaching anybody anything..

After finnish I had meeting with Kuya. We went to the cinema on Habermann's mill*.
I have never hated my own nationality so much.

I do not like Germany /although Heaven under Berlin** is wonderfull/ and wars but I cannot say that German people are worse than anyone else.

People can be horrible and cruel everywhere and everytime. Just choose..

Blood sampling is waiting for me. Syringes started to sing their song of sleaze..

On Friday I am going to see the doctor.

I do not want to swoon but these days I do not feel much strong or brave. Actually, I am terrified.

Only Edgar brings me up.
This one:

from here

Underbust with Poe.. I can imagine me wearing it during the final exams from literature ^^

But I am not sure whether to buy it.. I am pathetic but is it enough to spend so much money on crazy corset?

Gorgeous kitsch..

I should have been learning chemistry and biology..
But it is not such fun as self-pity and silly dreaming..

What the hell happened to me?

Agnes

*Habermannův mlýn - Czech film directed by Juraj Herz

**Nebe pod Berlínem - Czech book written by amazing Jaroslav Rudiš <3

Up and out

It took me a long time to do this and it is finally here.

I decided to write a blog in English.

I have been learning this language for 12 years but I do not feel like a professional translator.

There is going to be a lot of grammar mistakes on this blog.

I am sure You can find them in this article too.

But this is the only way how can I express myself.

I want to write. I need to write.
This is my place.

Call me Agnes.