všechno je tak smutné.. sníh nikde, zkoušky na krku.. dárků mám pořád nějak málo.. a když se mám učit, tak dělám milion věcí kolem, aby mi náhodou něco nezůstalo v hlavě.. třeba poslouchám tohle:
ale přeci jen jsem se z toho něco naučila..
POTŘEBUJI STŘÍBRNÉ LEGÍNY A MODROU BARVU NA VLASY =X
Myslela jsem, že si to nechám pro sebe.. ale asi to v sobě nedokážu tutlat, některý zážitky prostě potřebují ven.. v rámci zachování mé duše vcelku (už tak praská ve švech).
Agnes by měla mít předvídací schopnost. Alespoň na nějaký minimální nejzákladnější úrovni – a jeden by řek, že občas se i nějak nenápadně projevuje, ovšem to by pak nesměl přijít okamžik, který všechny vize strčí do kapsy a vymyslí si vlastní transdimenzionální všechnuznalost negující prostor, kde zákony mého pidisvěta prostě neplatí. a právě do něj jsem se dostala tento pátek.
..how a little girl decided to humiliate herself by writing in language she barely understands again..
Everyone I know - me included - complains about the boiling scourge which arrived at the worst moment ever.. And I don't mean the end of holiday, becuse mine will continue until the end of this September.. well, I hope =X
Because of the lack of any plan for tomorrow - except the evening with Miss Pete - I am not going to wake up to that baking athmosphere although my body is not made of sugar or chocolate to be melted but I just cannot stand it.. this is not the climate I was born for.. I will rather sleep all day..
..my domain is clouded sky, lightly strong wind..snowing when it gets dark in winter and mizzle during the rest of the year.. conditions which allow me to wear sweater, jackets, coats..or just a stupid cardigan, I don't care.. but please, bring me cold, bring me Christmas!
I feel like an idiot but I realized that I am not the only one who feels they're coming.. this week I saw two various episodes of two various series on Czech tv with Christmas theme.. and what is worse, I totally support it!
last week I saw wonderful winter boots.. with heels, victorian inspired.. but made of leather, so, I did not buy them but I really started to think about ice on the street, white snowflakes on my black coat, which I have to buy, by the way..
everyone on January is surprised that there is so much snow and wants the winter to stop spreading its power but for me the hell starts when the sun rises before I have to get up.
I hate holiday, there is too much time for me to think about things.. just me and all my demons locked in a room coated to bloody red..
and when I sometimes meet my friends I fall deeper in black thoughts after they leave..but its mainly because of questions they ask me and their little obsessions which unleash madness in my head even when I try to ignore it..sometimes it works better, sometimes it's worse..you know - LIFE.
oh yeah, a new article for foreigners!..I know You are not gonna read it anyway.. I just need to excercise this language, that's all..
Holiday is a silly season. I think the silliest of seasons. People have too much free time even when they are still going to work and school life is long way behind them..and that is the best time they do and think like silly people.
One old lady told me she would rather be dead than live like this..and not only a week after that she was just so satisfied with everything around her that she stopped thinking like this and started to crochet little angels because Christmas time is coming.
Other old lady was told she has pulmonary embolism. Her cupboard is now filled with various pills and even when she knows she is ill and she would need help from her children she decided to stop communicating with her son because he got divorced and found a new woman – younger, prettier, but mainly –NICER.
And I am not talking about her youngest daughter who was sent to hell just because lady Raisin did not like her. Nobody knows why but it was the worst argument I ever saw so I think it’s better that they stay away from each other. Unfortunately, me and my brother decided to visit her because it was the best way how to show the beauty of young woman.. and I had to drive our monster car which is “undriveable” and I still drive like a scared bunny for who are pedals and gear lever and steering wheel too far away for his tiny paws.. I think I deserve a bed full of fluffy toys now ^^.
When I mentioned a bed.. mine just decided that I was treating her with my wild dreams too much so it just fell through. Don’t ask me why, it just happened. It’s repaired now and my dreams are much wilder.. I hope that now it will last longer because I cannot imagine anything worse than wake up on the ground when Nazis are hunting me and my colleague from summer job (one of recent nightmares.. Don’t ask me about Nazis. I have no idea how could they get there.. Although I blame Norway..o.O)
Oh yeah, Norway.. another silly tragedy. How could a quite handsome man shoot so many beautiful people just because he did not agree with their opinions? (I know it is much more complicated but that’s not important..) If I did this thing every time someone disagrees with me there would be no people on Earth (Absolute hyperbole.. but it sounds cool ^^). And I am not Nazi.. or racist.. or against Gay community.. or in any kind of church or religion.. I am just a teenage creature.
Because of the excess of silliness my body said STOP! You have to dress me or I will collapse. And because every silly magazine for female creatures says You should be listening to Your body I took our old not-such-monster car and went to my favourite thrift stores to cure my body. Unfortunately my favourite one was opening one hour later than I expected so I went to another one.
It did not seem I will buy there anything but I was really precious when I was looking at the clothes because the shop was quite small and one hour was too long.. But it was hopeless. However before I almost decided to leave, the shop assistant appeared there and started to talk with me. He seemed like Italian and he could be around.. 35? I am not sure. Firstly, when he saw my top with Edward Scissorhands he asked me whether it is Johny Depp. And then I don’t know how we were talking about usual things.. well, mainly it was him who talked a lot. I think I will never find anyone on this planet who will listen to me..see? That’s why women talk a lot – because when You meet them, You do not close Your mouth and then they are frustrated so when they finally get a chance to speak they start to scream and You think they are hysterical and unbalanced. It’s not fair. But he apologized for that, it was nice.
Okay, well.. I heard a lot about his life, why he moved here.. and his problems with Czech language (the conversation was from 99% in English) and Czech people. I think he felt lonely and needed a company for a while. And because when I was asked about my age he guessed I could be 15 (yayx..^^) I became a patient listener. And even there was nothing I desired to buy I found a simple gray tea shirt I bought just to make him happier. In the face of fact I am not into Southern-type guys (yeah.. I like the deadly pale guys with no muscles and weird confused faces <3.. d’oh =X) I must admit he was nicer than most of the people who are not afraid to shout at another person swear-words across the street or just say them behind one’s back in the underground..
Ehm.. what happened next? He gave me his mail address and I went on shopping. I am not sure I would write to him.. but maybe I should.. just to show Czechs are not so bad inside.. but You know, they have nothing to be proud of.. the government is stupid like everywhere else but it’s still not so funny.. beer might be our treasure but when You look at the people who drink it too much You would rather turn around.. and because of perfect conditions for life You will never hear about our tornados, hurricanes, tsunamis, terrorist attacks, floods (compared to other countries), snow calamities, UFO, animal attacks, insect diseases.. because there aren’t any (which the world might be interested in.)
achjo, proč já mám nejvíc energie předtím, než mám jít spát o.O
nehledě na to, že zítra budou v práci samí staříci a ti hrozně rádi o všem brblají a je nutno jim neustále vysvětlovat, proč jsou věci tak, jak jsou, ačkoli jsou členy klubu a nejsou tam poprvé a moc dobře vědí, o co se jedná, protože jim to jiná dobrá duše stokrát vysvětlovala už předtím.. ale o tom to dnes není..*
Agnes sice byla neskutečně ospalá, ale stejně se dívala na Hanka a Mikea, dva Velikonoční zajíčky, co přijdou o práci, protože tomu zkrátka nešlo odolat^^.. a taky už jí chyběly večery u dvojky s titulkama.. prostě léto podle jejího..
to ovšem netušila, jak ji uhrane tato píseň..
je tak teskná a něžná, přitom drsná a praštěná.. úplně vidím dvě kamarádky (věkově nijak nevyhraněné), co se sešly k večeru, aby popily trochu vína, ovšem nezůstaly jen u jedný lahve, a tak pijou, poslouchají výkvět všech smutnejch songů od Nicka Cavea a Lykke Li, truchlí nad svýma podivně se vyvýjejícíma životama a najednou zazní tenhle hit a ony začnou svýma sopránovýma hláskama falešně zpívat, tančit a válet se po stole a po křesílkách či židličkách, hlásky přidávají na síle, jedné tečou slzy, druhá se opírá jednou rukou o zeď a v druhé jakžtakž drží lahev s vínem a prostě tam tak jsou, v celý tý teatrální sentimentální a kýčovitý scéně..
a já najednou lituju, že tu teď nemám víno, který mi ani vlastně nechutná, a nějakou kamarádku, se kterou bych mohla zpívat a truchlit a pít, protože asi žádná z těch skutečných na tom není tak, aby to potřebovala..a já možná taky ne, ale fakt se mi ta scéna líbí a až se zítra budu barikádovat před hladovými staříky, protože se odmítám přiblížit k tomu kontejneru s řízky, co tam zítra přivezou, takže radši jim budu psát výsledky a v hlavě mi bude tohle celý hrát..
kdyby se někomu úvodní video zdálo příliš krátké (mně tedy určitě), tak delší verze je tu..
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*nemám nic proti starým lidem.. jen proti těm, co mne, jako jim věkově nerovnou, hází rovnou do pytle s nápisem "ta neschopná mladá, co ničí tenhle svět, kterej je proti nám"..a je jich sakra hodně..
no.. I do not need a company..(or the title just does not have anything in common with the actual state of my mind)
I just need to absorb some feelings and experiences from this Saturday..
I cannot remember when was the first time I saw The Wall, but I know that for a few days I was addicted to the film and every free time I drew the curtains, sat on the sofa and pressed "play" and after that my body travelled across the universe through various dimensions into the deepest places of my imagination and the feeling was just too perfect to stop it..
after a while my addiction faded, another film or music occupied the top of my body, but I have never forgotten that crazy time inside the Wall..
..
I am not a fan of great concerts or shows with thousands of people in the audience.. I find it quite uncomfortable and also impersonal.. but when my dear dad told me he bought two tickets for the Prague concert of Roger Waters and The Wall I simply could't resist!
Describing the way from our house through various bars, cafes, when I was drinking water because I knew I will have to drive home (grrrh), is unimportant.
The show started with a very short delay (not over 10min) and it was.. grandious. It doesn't happen to me very often, but I started to cry at the beginning after the first notes vibrated my guts..
a white rag doll was sentenced to death and Mr. Roger came to see the audience..
The Wall was begun..
there were so many things I could enthuse about.. a group of children singing "we don't need no education" to a big ugly puppet of the teacher.. amazing projection.. military aircraft.. searchlights.. black pig airship.. all the phrases.. parody on the Apple.. links to Orwell's 1984..
..thousands of running shivers down my spine.. some tears.. and my eyes wide open not to miss any important allegory..
If anybody wants to hear something negative then I can mention only one thing - the intermission. The most disturbing moment when all the magic, that was growing during building the wall, broke because of all the people running out to visit the bathroom and drink at least one crucible of beer.. without that I could call the final fall of the wall one of the moments after which You can die because You won't be able to experience it twice and it would be really hard to find another moment like this.
Driving home in the light of nearly-full moon was now different. I am sure that this evening has a big effect on me. At least for a few weeks, I'm sure..
PS: I live in a country where really existed communism and its socialictic system. Everyone can say that I am young and that The Wall is not the best piece ever made - and I agree. But the historical experience which had a terrible effect on Czech society is something that would always make me love it - although it is in a specifically strange and scary way..
..Agnes should stop listening to RA so often..but it is stronger than her.. she need to do it or she will get mad.. wait a minute.. she actually got mad!!
I was watching the Lords of Dogtown and.. I really want to skate, now!!
I love winter.. today is the day when snowflakes came back to say "hello" and I was happy that I saw them, but.. they built the barrier between me and my will to fall on hard concrete while wearing wheel boots, because it can make me feel alive.
But now? I am stuck in my bedroom because viruses and bacterias came for a visit, watching silly teenage films and dreaming about next week..
two schoolless weeks.. two weeks of heaven?
not at all..
I want to see Mr. C and tell him the truth..
exactly how lady Lou has written to me..
I have got a beautiful package from her^^
and also a letter from miss G.
I have not seen her for..7 years? and she can still remember me!
"I'm about to have a nervous breakdown.. my head really hurts.."
am I really such a typical teenager or is this song really describing how do I feel?
See, I should stop listening to that.. I should return to Mr. Cave and Corner and Curtis.. but You know what? They are my energy vampires, I always feel so weak after their songs.. so I need crazy rock of some guys who might be called posers because they play on saving the planet and then eat in McDonald's, but the energy.. the energy* is something special on them and I cannot give it up.. because I love it.. the same as I love skating.. and I need it..as soon as possible..
*when I write about energy I mean the earlier songs..
I wanted to describe my feelings and realized that the lyric of this song includes almost everything I want to say..
Suffering from something
We're not sure of
In a world
There is no cure for
These lives we live
Test negative for happiness
Flat line, no pulse, but eyes open
Single file like soldiers on a mission
If there's no war outside our heads
Why are we losing?
I don't ask for much (Life less)
Truth be told I'd settle (frightening)
For a life less frightening, (Life less)
A life less frightening (frightening)
I don't ask for much (Life less)
Truth be told I'd settle (frightening)
For a life less frightening, (Life less)
A life less frightening (frightening)
Hang me out to dry
I'm soaking
With the sins of knowing
What's gone wrong
But doing nothing
I still run
Time again I have found myself stuttering
Foundations pulled out from under me
This breath is wasted on them all
Will someone answer me
I don't ask for much (Life less) Truth be told I'd settle (frightening) For a life less frightening, (Life less) A life less frightening (frightening)
I don't ask for much (Life less)
Truth be told I'd settle (frightening)
For a life less frightening, (Life less)
A life less frightening (frightening)
Is there a God tonight
Up in the sky
Or is it empty just like me? (Just like me)
A place where we can hide
Out from the night
Where you are all I see (Where you are all I see)
So blow a kiss goodbye then close your eyes
Tell me what you see (Tell me what you see)
A lifetime spent inside this dream of mine
Where you are all I see
I was at some meadow or on the forest road when I saw a creature.. it had two legs and an enormous head with a giant mouth and it remind me some kind of frog.
Its skin was scaly but not so rough..
It terrified me but at the beginning it did not seem to hurt me.. actually, it wanted to play with me.. or me to follow it?.. my memory is not so clear.. but after a while the creature changed its mind and started to bite me.. my whole body was in its mouth however I could not feel its sharp teeth. I was not hurt at all.
Then I can remember I was trying to escape it.. with some members of my family..
..and after that came blackout because I waked up.
the end of the year started inviting everyone to celebrate, myself included..
I am not a fan of big festivals and parties, actually, I hate watching drunk people..
I find them disgusting.. gross.. but perhaps also happy.
What do they miss in this world? A little drop of spirit makes them believe that they can do everything and that their troubles have never really existed.
Everything is so bright and beautiful and.. tottering..
I am to spend the last day of the year at my granny's.
This is not what I planned about two days ago but my plans almost never become true.
Actually, I am looking forward to that.
My granny is the most important person in the world for me now. We can spend the whole day talking and laughing and crying and dreaming.. and I have not seen her since the winter holiday started.
Okay, my family went there after the Christmas Eve but how can You make fun of Your own family when they are right behind You?..
about the song..
last two days I spent watching Pride and Prejudice (the one with Keira Knightley and also the one with Colin Firth.)
16 hours of watching this beautiful dreamy story^^
of course, I could go for a walk or ice-skating or read all the books I have got but doing pointless things without any resolution is something I am really good at..
but I realized I have to wake up from dreaming and laziness because I need to get some white empire dress^^..
Many people says that the music of The Cure works as a real cure..
I love the music but I think it is making me feel worse..
and neither the hair and make-up of Robert Smith can make it better..
I said I am looking forward to snow and Chirstmas and all of this stuff, but..
I cannot say I am happy.
I met many beautiful people at the Prague Lolita meeting.. and drank yogi tea, which I love..
I have written a letter but there is noone I can give it to..
Confused is missing.. and there is the whole weekend I have to wait before I get another chance..
I feel desperate and miserable and hating myself and the unknown creature..
..I am just a lost teenage girl and this is how can I complain about it all..
I woke up today and looked out of the window.. and I saw SNOW^^.. the lovely fresh sparkling snow I was waiting for.
Nature has started its winter transformation and I should feel happy that white beauty.. but it's not happening.
The rest of autumn melancholy tries to settle down in my mind.
But why?
I dyed my hair ink blue.. I feel like Coraline and many people said it suits me..
I heard Confused talking so I know the tone of his voice - and it's not irritating at all..
Tomorrow I am going to Nürnberk /Germany/ to the big market..actually I must wake up in four hours and should be sleeping..
I have got a letter from my Australian pen friend..
..but the song playing in my head is about murder and blood and being ugly and pain and loneliness..
it's like In the lake but not exactly.. but the melody is very similar..
this just a scream of a miserable girl needing some answer although she knows it will never come..
I have seen it twice and I plan at least one visit.. for at least two good reasons..
..this song..
/do You believe that this song made me look for Cave's cd we have had for years in my dad's garbage?/
..and this /human?!/ being^^
/doesn't he remind You of Davey Havok from the AFI in times he used to have long beautiful hair and looked like a man or a transvestite but not like a sleek pop disgusting guy?/
//it took me the whole afternoon to find out who he is.. he should live with this character forever^^// picture from here
I have read all HP books, seen all films.. but I do not feel like a maniac..
It just makes me dream and believe in magic.. which is all I have now.
I am not familiar with reality and outside world.
I entirely understand Lady Rowling that she created her own universe full of charismatic negative characters because in the world everybody knows they are too rough and rude and odious..
If I could choose I would rather be killed by Mr. Oh-my-goodness Scabior than Kim Jong-il..
